I'm a SAHM, wife, home-maker and not the Susie kind. I'm a volunteer whore, but have cut back my hours due to we just moved to our current area. I am the matriarch of a Proud Marine Family! I do everything and make everything run smoothly with the part-time help of my husband. I say part-time because he is only here part-time due to the lovely Corps, and also because I only need him when I'm freaking out and he brings me down 10 levels..which he probably was the cause of the 1st 5 levels of elevation to begin with.
I love my husband and all of our children. Though at times, I have contemplated leaving and never looking back. I must say, it's my kids that make me snap out of that daydream. I can't imagine them wondering where I am. My husband, well let's just say he'd have a string of women to distract that thought!
I'm currently upset at my husband. Due to I'm underappreciated, he thinks he does it all and I'm just a money hungry, lazy ass. Money hungry! That's a funny thought seeing as I married, him, A MARINE!! He's gone this time for a month and I resent him on most days. Yes, I proudly said I do, and knew exactly what I was getting into, but when I hear stories from my friends of how their husband's are gone, and they get these "surprises" such as cards, flowers, just anything in general that's nice and even slightly romantic, it makes me loathe my husband. He, too! Stood right there in front of me, the Rev., and God and said "I do!" And he knew that I am the Meredith in the McDreamy/Grey scenario...so to speak! I have my "issues" everyone does. I have my needs! Yet, I can look at Derek and see him light up everytime Mer walks in a room. Yes! I know, I know! It's acting, but I feel that love!! And I don't care if my husband has to act his ass off!! He should look that way when I walk in a room!! Usually, he comes in from his work day and our baby is the first to show his excitement!! I'm already holding him to the window and letting him see 'Daddy' as my husband gets out of his car! I'm getting him excited and telling him, "Look Daddy is home!!" Excitement that I very rarely get to know from my child, as I am here day in and day out, with no breaks. Unless you count the "any chance I can have a reason to run to the corner store" moments, but even those are rare because I am never gone that long and the baby is too tied up in Daddy to realize Mommy was even gone.
I know this is my life, and probably the life of many, many other women. But that in no way means that I hurt any less, have any less stress, lose any less sleep, than any one of them!
See, I married the love of my life. I knew he was my heart the first time I saw him, but we were with our respective exes, and I let the thought slip right out of my brain at that moment. Time passed, and we grew to know one another. Our relationships were souring and going south, as the public displays showed the whole world. In a small town, everyone knows your business, especially when that small town is a military community. Needless to say, time passed. We split from our exes, then one day we happened upon each other. I invited him for drinks and to hang out, remember we were friends for a while, so no biggie! But my heart was open and available this time around. This time there was no need to push that thought out...except I didn't know if he felt the same. I hoped, but never had any clear signs, til that night! As you can see, drinks went well, and I've been smitten with him ever since!
Sadly, it wasn't a happy life all this time. He strayed, strayed, and strayed some more. I was stupid and yet again, let the man make me think it was all me and my fault for everything wrong! BUT nothing remained more true in my heart, than I loved him with all my heart and soul. He was my lobster! And one day, he'd get out his "manly" ways and realize that of me. So, almost 10yrs down the line, 3 kids later, here we are. Doing the same things we were doing then, except, I don't have one inch of me thinking or worrying that he will cheat or stray in any way! I truly believe that he is faithful to me in that sense. Yet, I feel that he has checked out of this relationship. He says it's all in my head. Yet, the man can't look at me, say I love you without it being that "end of phone call wrap up". When we are on the phone he puts me on speaker and does anything he can to not listen. When did this become what I know as My Life?!
To top it off, he controls ALL of the money. I can't work because I'm at home with our newest child. The other 2 are in school. Yes I could put him in daycare, but whatever job I have would have to pay for his childcare, and I'm not working just to pay a babysitter. My husband will NOT help pay for childcare. He says I don't have to work. I DO!! For sanity reasons. So I'm doing a few things here and there trying to see what works to make money and still let me be available to our children. Which is what I want. A job that works around their school hours. I truly would love to always be a SAHM. It's a blessing! But that doesn't mean that I don't need ME time!
My husband controls everything. He's not abusive in any way. BUT I have no access to money. Unless I ask him and he feels whatever I need it for is worthy of him "giving" me money. I have never wanted a divorce so badly in my life. That's when I look at my children and think, it's just money. I'll make my own, tell him it's less than it really is and go on with this life I've made.
Well, as that life of mine would have it, I have kids and they're needing Mommy now. Looks like another weekend of staying in the house while everyone else gets to go do pumpkin patch, beach trips, shopping trips, just anything because they're husband's don't control the money!
~MB
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment